How to Raise Your Adult Children

Grandchildren are a treat for us grandparents. Unlike their own parents, we have the time and space to observe and reflect on their growth and development. We don't have to buy diapers, and we can buy a cute little party dress, which is more fun. When we're tired, the grandkids go home. We put our houses back in order and keep them that way until the much-loved grandchildren come for another visit. It's perfect, isn't it? Well, not exactly. When we were growing up, grandparents were often part of the child rearing team. They were consulted and involved. They were respected for their wisdom.

Some adults today don't want grandparents' advice. They join Mommy and Me classes, talk to their friends, and search the Internet. They want to do it on their own. They don't want to consult their own parents even they were raised by them and survived. When did this change?

Some parents of our generation were permissive and indulgent and erroneously believed that if we made our children feel special and never said "no," our kids would have great self-esteem and confidence. Ironically, needing to feel exceptional and not wanting to hear "no" made them narcissistically vulnerable. So, some of our kids are unsure of limits and boundaries and experience advice as criticism. In addition, having grown up thinking they were remarkable, they suffer narcissistic blows if they discover that someone knows more than they do. We have come to realize that what we thought were superior child rearing techniques were really an overreaction to our own parents and upbringing. So, now that we know the errors of our ways, we could teach our kids something about raising children, but that's not what they want from us. They still only want our approval and admiration.

Our kids are involved in their children's school and sports activities, know CPR, and are able to maneuver luggage, backpack, stroller, and three kids through an airport and onto a plane with seeming ease. Too bad they can't keep them quiet during a flight. Some of our grandchildren have too many toys, are plopped in front of videos from infancy, lack structured family meal times, and are overscheduled and overprotected by over-involved mothers. It's horrible to watch.

But what can we grandparents do? We can refrain from advising our children, because that doesn't work. However, when we are with our grandchildren, we can set limits and boundaries, restrict electronics and television, and encourage creative activities and social interaction. We can also expect orderliness, personal responsibility, and respect.

Comment:  Hope all of my grandparent family and friends enjoyed this article. We will soon be living with Shelly and her girls in Tennessee and I am happy to say that she is one mother that is very anxious for the wisdom and advice that we are coming with and will not hesitate to pass it on to her kids...or even to her!!